Thrym: AHAHA, I am Thrym, King of the Ogres, and I am up to no good debauchery!
THRYM CONTINUES TO T.P. ASGARD
Thrym: Because I am completely intelligent, I am going to put shaving cream in everyone's hands and then tickle their noses! HA! They will not EVER figure this out!
STOPS SPRAY PAINTING "THRYM WAZZ HEARE" ON WALL AND GOES TO GET SHAVING CREAM. PEEKS IN FIRST ROOM, READY TO CAUSE "MAYHEM"
Thrym: Oops, this is Freyja's room! She's actually pretty hot... I could totally kidnap her right now and force her to be my wife! Or I could just stare at her... *keeps staring* Wow. She's really hot. Maybe one day I will be able to come up with some completely random and totally stupid way to make her marry me, but for now, I'll just let her sleep.
LEAVES. FINDS THOR'S ROOM NEXT. THOR IS ASLEEP
Thrym: OH EHM GEE, IT'S THOR! I'm totes gonna steal his hammer!
THRYM, GIGGLING LIKE A FIVE YEAR OLD SCHOOL GIRL, SNEAKILY STEALS THE HAMMER AND LEAVES IN HIS VERY LOUD HUMMER. THE NEXT MORNING.
Thor: I AM A MANLY MAN! I AM READY FOR THE DAY! I'M GONNA WORK OUT, BASH SOME SKULLS IN, AND-- wait, where's my hammer? *looks around* Hammer? HAMMER! Hammer, where are you?! *frantically throws things around searching for the hammer*
Loki: Hey Thor, I heard your usual morning war cry and then you stopped yelling, so I-- what are you doing on the floor?
Thor: *sniffle* I'm not crying, if that's what's you're implying.
Loki: ...Yeah, okay. As the god of lying and mischief, I can totally endorse that. But seriously, tell me why you're pouting like that.
Thor: *dramatic pause* ... I CAN'T FIND MY HAMMER!
Loki: Wow, that is totally a valid reason for lying despondently on your floor in hysterics! And this is obviously the best solution in such a case!
Thor: *sniffles* Yeah, I know...
Loki: Oh my Odin, GET OVER HERE. Man up and wipe those stupid tears off your face before I have to punch them off. Now, are you positive that it's not here? Because I usually have to find all of your stupid stuff, regardless of the fact that it's pretty much because I'm the one that hides it all.
Thor: *grabs Loki* ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU TOOK MY HAMMER?! *shakes Loki severely* GIVE IT BACK TO ME! GIVE MY BABY BACK!
Loki: Thor! Stop it, man! For once, I'm not lying! Cut it out! Look, there's a ransom note over there!
Thor: *drops Loki* Oh my Odin, look at this! A ransom note!
Loki: Wait, there was really a note there?
Thor: What should we do?
Loki: We should totally NOT call a meeting.
Thor: Okay.
Loki: ... Oh my-- I AM THE GOD OF LYING, THOR. Now move it!
EVERYONE GATHERS TOGETHER. LOKI READS THE LETTER
Loki: "Hey, I have your hammer and I totes hid it, but not under my mattress, so don't look there. Because you won't find it there. At all. I could give it back to you if you let me marry that hottie Freyja, but until then it will stay
Thor: I'M NOT CRYING! I'm just sweating through my eyes...
Odin: NO! We need to deal with this situation in an entirely irrational and complicated matter. We're gods. It's what we do.
Freyja: OMG, I am like soooooo totally not marrying that icky ogre! He's like, gross and stuff!
Thor: But you have to! I need my baby back! *whimper*
Freyja: Ewwww, well then why don't you just marry him instead?
Odin: Freyja!
Loki: Oh, thank Asgard, finally someone has some sense!
Odin: That is a brilliant idea!
Loki: ...I'm sorry, what?
Odin: Thor, you can dress up as your sister and then pretend to marry Thrym! It is ingenious and cannot fail at all! You can take Loki with you, and everything will be restored to the natural order of things!
Loki: Um, NO, everything will be DOOMED. That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard!
Thor: I agree. I don't want to wear a dress! Please don't make me wear a dress, Daddy! I don't want to do it! *bursts into tears*
Odin: YOU ARE GOING AND THAT IS FINAL!
Loki: Screw you all. One day I'm totally going to do something to endanger all of you and make you hate me as much as I hate all of you right now. Maybe I'll become a stereotypical comic book villain and try to destroy an entire planet just to make my adoptive father love me more than his actual son, even though that clearly accomplishes absolutely nothing.
Thor: White isn't a very slimming color on me.
LOKI AND "FREYJA" FINALLY ARRIVE AT THRYM'S HOUSE, WHERE HE IS HOSTING HIS "X-TREME BACHELOR PARTYYYY" AND "ULTIMATE WEDDING FIESTA"
Thrym: OH EHM GEE, Freyja! You look so... so...
Loki: Masculine?
Thrym: Hot. Like even hotter than that time I totally sat in your room for forever and watched you sleep!
Loki: ...That is totally not creepy at all.
Thrym: So baby, help yourself to this delicious food. And I'll see you at the altar... *expression that is clearly an attempt at seduction*
Loki: I fear I may vomit...
THOR WANDERS AWAY AND PROCEEDS TO EAT ALL THE FOOD AND DRINK ALL THE BEER
Thrym: WOAH... My baby has a hefty appetite! You eat like a MAN!
Loki: Well, we've been traveling for forever. Don't you think she's going to be a little hungry?
Thrym: That is completely understandable! I don't suspect any foul play at all, even though this dainty love/sex/fertility goddess just downed an entire keg of beer in three gulps!
Loki: Wow. You really are stupider than you look.
Thrym: Yeah, so Freyja, baby, do you totally wanna go spoon for a little bit behind the- HOLY ODIN, what is wrong with your eyes?! They're all red and fiery!
Loki: An idiot would believe it's because she's really tired.
Thrym: Okay! Sounds about right to me!
Loki: SHE DOES NOT EVEN HAVE BREASTS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!
Thrym: So Freyja, wait here for just a second while I go get Thor's hammer out from under my mattress. Your little messenger dude can totes take it back to Asgard for me.
Loki: Under his mattress. Did you hear that? It was UNDER his MATTRESS. And none of you believed me! None of you! You could have avoided this WHOLE THING if someone had simply LISTENED TO ME!!!!!
Thor: I changed my mind. I actually do enjoy this shade of white. It may not be very slimming, but it accentuates my curves.
Loki: ...I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
Thrym: Okay, so here's the hammer!
Thor: *throwing off disguise* SUPER ULTRA MEGA LIGHTNING POWER ACTIVATE!
Loki: Dear Odin, again with the theatrics?
Thrym: Wait, what?
THOR KILLS EVERYONE. HE AND LOKI GO BACK HOME. THOR YELLS A LOT MORE BECAUSE HE HAS HIS HAMMER BACK AND HAS TO "PROVE HIS MANLINESS". EVERYONE REMAINS AN IDIOT EXCEPT FOR LOKI. LOKI STILL DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE ON THAT PLANET ANYMORE
THE END
